Friday, April 12, 2013

Spider Strategy

My eyes wandered as I thought about nothing in particular. I stare into space a lot, surprise surprise, and though my face may look vacant I am actually thinking deep thoughts.

Suddenly, my eyes lock onto a gruesome sight.

Revulsion rises inside of me.

I cringe and look away, then force myself to look back.

Yup, it's a spider.

A big, thick, black spider.

Honestly, what is it about spiders? All the legs? The jittery movement? The past memories of seeing all the eyes magnified in a science textbook?

I'm with Ron Weasley on this one. I have a healthy fear of spiders.

And now, as warm weather causes bugs to start wandering around my house like they're trying to take it over, the spiders will suddenly appear.

My strategy is, first of all, determine if there is someone else, anybody else, that would be willing to kill this spider. Are you alone, or the bravest person in the room? Then it's all up to you, baby.

Now, I can't look away. Keep this in mind: if you look away, it could make a run for it and could now be anywhere. Maintain a visual at all times.

If you have to flee the room quickly for a tissue, back away and keep your eyes on it as long as possible.

Now that you have the tissue, brace yourself. For as long as it takes. Unless the spider starts to move.

Remember, you have to strike like a snake. There's only one chance here as, in the spider's eyes, you transform from skittish human to violent killer.

GET IT! GET IT! GEEEEEEEEEEET IIIIIIIIIIIIT! You got this! Smush it dead!

(Cheer yourself on as necessary.)

Now examine your tissue and you'd just better hope you got it with one strike.

If you didn't, you have made a dangerous enemy. Sleep with one eye open, your mouth closed, and consider investing in a mosquito net.

It's an option. I'm just saying.




1 comment:

Mark Allman said...

My strategy:
Stomp and ask questions later .... only after confirming kill by looking at bottom of shoe. :)