Friday, April 19, 2013

Romance? Yeah, right.

Let me start out by saying: I don't want you to think that we here at the library just make fun of what patrons check out.

Because we really don't. That often.

The thing is, we have regulars. People who are in several times a week and who place holds all the time. We get to know these people. Or, at least, their book and movie preferences.

Sometimes when we get our delivery of items from other libraries in the county and are pulling them out, we try to guess which piece is for which patron.

A huge book on motorcycles? Gotta be for John. Three more Nora Roberts novels? Either Mary or Sue. A brand new movie that is circulating for the first time? Rob. (How does he do it? He always gets things first!)

(*sidenote: names are changed...just in case.)

 And then we have our romance novel-readers. Three regular ladies who we know exclusively get books with pictures of long-haired, bare-chested men holding onto a rope on a ship or bending a corseted women back in what looks like a pretty uncomfortable embrace.

Not my thing. Not my thing at all.

The most I read of these books is their back covers. And why would I only read them to myself when I have coworkers to entertain?

Dramatic readings from the back covers of romance novels can be a truly amusing pastime  I feel that public speaking and theater classes I have taken in the past have helped prepare me for this.

Usually I start off in a low, dangerous tone as I describe the lord or duke who is rich, handsome, and devil-may-care. I move on to the innocent peasant girl whose beauty is only surpassed by her spunk. My tone turns incredulous as the summary goes on to describe a possible romance between these two unlikely and attractive characters. WILL THEY FIND TRUE LOVE?

*rolls eyes*


Friday, April 12, 2013

Spider Strategy

My eyes wandered as I thought about nothing in particular. I stare into space a lot, surprise surprise, and though my face may look vacant I am actually thinking deep thoughts.

Suddenly, my eyes lock onto a gruesome sight.

Revulsion rises inside of me.

I cringe and look away, then force myself to look back.

Yup, it's a spider.

A big, thick, black spider.

Honestly, what is it about spiders? All the legs? The jittery movement? The past memories of seeing all the eyes magnified in a science textbook?

I'm with Ron Weasley on this one. I have a healthy fear of spiders.

And now, as warm weather causes bugs to start wandering around my house like they're trying to take it over, the spiders will suddenly appear.

My strategy is, first of all, determine if there is someone else, anybody else, that would be willing to kill this spider. Are you alone, or the bravest person in the room? Then it's all up to you, baby.

Now, I can't look away. Keep this in mind: if you look away, it could make a run for it and could now be anywhere. Maintain a visual at all times.

If you have to flee the room quickly for a tissue, back away and keep your eyes on it as long as possible.

Now that you have the tissue, brace yourself. For as long as it takes. Unless the spider starts to move.

Remember, you have to strike like a snake. There's only one chance here as, in the spider's eyes, you transform from skittish human to violent killer.


(Cheer yourself on as necessary.)

Now examine your tissue and you'd just better hope you got it with one strike.

If you didn't, you have made a dangerous enemy. Sleep with one eye open, your mouth closed, and consider investing in a mosquito net.

It's an option. I'm just saying.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Pssst! Carrots!

"If I were very beautiful and had nut-brown hair, would you keep me?"

Oh, Anne. I really have Anne of Green Gables on the brain these days. I need to do an epic rewatch and just get it out of my system. 

Anne (with an "e") has a wonderful imagination. I love her conversation with Matthew in the beginning of the movie, when she keeps talking and talking and switches from subject to subject. She says - 

"I know I'm skinny and a little freckled and my eyes are green. I can imagine I have a beautiful rose-leaf complexion and lovely, starry, violet eyes but I cannot imagine my red hair away. It'll be my lifelong sorrow. 
I read of a girl in a novel once who was divinely beautiful. Have you ever imagined what it must be like to be divinely beautiful? Oh, I have often...." 

I suppose everyone, at times, wants what they'll never have. 

The ironic thing is that when I was a little girl, all I wanted was curly red hair, green eyes, and freckles. 

When I mentioned this the other day my coworker laughed and asked why would I want green eyes when I have such nice blue ones? 

Because I didn't have green eyes! Because I thought green eyes were more interesting than blue! 

I've had changing ideas of how I should look over the years. Different pictures in my head of who I could be, ideally. I've wanted anything and everything from having straight hair to having braces! 

I have awesome curly hair and I never needed braces, but there were times in my life I wanted to check out the other side of the fence. I wanted to look like certain people or blend in better. 

Anne grew up, and so do we all. We hopefully learn to celebrate what makes us each unique. 

Just make it through the awkward, uncertain years. As Mrs. Lynde said, "And don't worry about your hair. I knew a girl once who had hair every bit as red as yours, but when she grew up, it darkened into a real handsome auburn."

See? There's hope!